I enjoy my own company. At least I think I do. Of course I do. Don’t I?
It seems that I am getting mixed signals from myself.
A majority of the time I want to be alone, swaddled sweetly silent in a caressing blue robe so soft it is like a whisper to my skin. These crystalline moments of perfect isolation are priceless to me. Within them, womb-like, I am free to recharge, think, grow, change. Aloneness is a state like non other. It creates the necessary space for deep thought to occur.
In my aloneness, I am free to work through the programming Bootcamp Pre Work at my own pace. Lately I have been fixated on converting base 10 numbers (like 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.…) into base 16 hexadecimal (hex) numbers. This is my new pass time. I like to pick numbers that are significant to me and convert them into hex. For example:
My Age: 30 years = 1E in hex
My Weight: 105 lbs = 69 in hex
The year I was born: 1984 = 7C0 in hex
When I am alone I am free to contemplate my cats and their softness, the cold and its harshness, the world and its vastness, the air and its freshness. (With apologies to Madeleine L’Engle)
My quiet, private world is secure. It is comforting. It allows me to rejuvenate from the rigors of a day spent crashing against extroverts.
However, a worm of dissatisfaction has crept into my introvert’s haven, which was once as pristine as freshly fallen snow.
The thoughts come unbidden:
- “Should I be interacting more with other people?”
- “Computer programming is another largely solitary task. Am I simply reinforcing the walls of my cave?”
- “Should I heed the persistent advice of friends and family and ‘go out’ more?”
- “I am alone, but am I growing lonely?”
I see a forked road opening in my mind’s eye. One branch is peaceful, still, quiet but potentially lonesome. The other branch is chaotic, loud, lightening flash bright, but harbors potential relationships.
I stand before this bifurcated road and hesitate. Peering down one fork I see my cats, my nice warm bed, my Pre Work and the undeniable joy of hex. Squinting down the other road I see sights unfamiliar and scary. Fantastic and exhausting. Dramatic and new.
I hesitate. For the moment I am overwhelmed by this introvert’s dilemma.